I wrote this over several months in 2003 and 2004. At the time, I was writing my senior paper over Allen Ginsberg, which is apparent. This is the first poem I was proud of having written.
Forever Home on Mind
I wept into the sea; it did not overflow.
Spread out over a great distance
like a tremendous giant fallen dead,
my heart, heavy with sadness, covers over my daily duties
I can’t eat, write, work, speak, but
walk the familiar corridors—
in rooms I’ve danced with friends,
in rooms I’ve philosophized,
in rooms I’ve sat as I do now,
red eyed and staring as in meditation but
only feeling pain without enlightenment—
till I grab the keys and drive to the shopping strip
bubbling with beautiful people
who love the machinery of consumer competition.
The mob about me—blonde, small, large, brown—
shuffle up, down, back and forth, comforting me
with the wishing that I could be comforted
by the bags they carry.
I hit the streets
and pass the town—the three stop-lights of Grove, Oklahoma—
down to the low-water bridge
where a light stream trickles over small rocks between bare trees
where I once strummed songs
while peers drank the evening down through Coors Light cans,
then down to the Water’s Edge—
a gravel boat ramp in a small bay of Grand Lake water
with eternal western view of twin moons, water and sky—
where I myself got drunk the first time
with my doe-eyed older brother
and he with glee punched his fist bloody
through a dock door window,
then back to home,
but outside the familiar corridors
where the expanse of green bluff hums memories in the distance.
An occasional deer, close enough to toss a rock at, eats mother’s
under the single telephone pole for miles in the back yard.
The pole where my father hung a make-shift basketball goal
that rarely felt a ball and decayed
as my mind does
while I turn to see tears shine on my face reflection
outside my bedroom window.
My eternity bounces me to and from this homestead
in dreams and reality, nightmares and reality—
home where my pregnant mother fell off a shoddy doorway ramp
to the mobile home door and
bruised her legs black
cursing God for poverty and an unexpected pregnancy,
home where my parents’ shallow life savings was spent on
rheas, awkward exotic birds, that ran scared—
chased by our neighbor’s dogs—
and died of heart attacks and
Dad cursed God and cried on pregnant Mom’s belly,
home where my doe-eyed older brother ran away,
cursing God and Mom and Dad,
home where I, frustrated in sleep,
kicked through a storm-window barefooted and
awoke bleeding on the bathroom floor
while Mom held the vein and cried for God to heal
to save from the emergency bill.
Home dear home,
forever clear and profound on the senses,
forever never disappearing.