Saturday, February 6, 2010

On Becoming a Poem

Like a balloon

      my skull and its skin


translucent in their


          by a diffusion that


     pressure in its expanding

And the sound

     is a constant


of crystal cocoons

     ever nearing

          never revealing

the whole


  1. I love the musical language, and the cetain sounds in proximity (skull and skin, balloon, translucent, diffusion, become, and swelling). Also the near iambic rhythm in the five lines carries well. It makes the point where the rhythm changes (by a diffusion), poignant. Your diving point (the place that sucks the reader through black hole) is proabably there. Great start!

  2. I like how open this poem is. And I like the image that I have now.

  3. Even better on the second read through.

  4. Steven: d'ya see the update?

    Thanks, Andrew. I wrote the first half very quickly and didn't want to write anymore because I really liked it. I still think it can use some sprucing, but I'm happy with this gem outta nowhere.

    CP: Thank you and thanks for reading.

    OMG: Thank you for always reading, even if I bug you to do so sometimes. :)

  5. You're very good at this sort of thing.

  6. Thanks, Dani. Thank you very much for reading and commenting. You know how nice it is to receive comments.

    I'm curious, what sort of thing?

  7. poetry. I think I have some limited Dr. Seuss skills, but that's it!

  8. This is great! The stanza set up reminds me of Seamus Heaney; how he mimics his poetry with the shape of the poem. It looks like a baloon deflating and falling/spinning/zig-zagging towards the ground. Super.

  9. Good ole Seamus. Glad he's still around. We've lost a lotta good poets recently.

  10. Thanks, Rona. I know you're not a huge fan of poetry, so it makes me happy when something strikes a chord with you.

  11. it really is a poem to be read aloud! thanks for the pointer.